The inevitable…

So the inevitable happened: I became a mother. And went through all the motions mentioned in 'Time to face the music'. I was experiencing motherhood in projectile vomit and runny bottoms on freshly cleaned floors.

And I was the latest victim of Murphy’s Law— you know, the old adage that states if something can go wrong, it will go wrong. Usually it involves discovering we’ve got a flat tyre and an irate boss making hissing sounds together! It only happens once in a while.

Well, not when you have a newborn. When you have a newborn, it happens ALL. THE. TIME, and it goes a little something like this:

1. Your husband says babysitting is fun and the kid’s has been an absolute darling — for him. But as soon as you get home from frantically finishing chores and trying not to fall asleep at traffic lights, baby starts to scream bloody murder as horror scenes from Ramsay Brother flick flash through your mind. Moms are just so lucky!

2. 3 seconds after you’ve changed the baby’s diaper, you discover he’s dropped a massive bomb in there. And I’m not talking about a cute little baby turd. I’m talking adult poop — the kind of poo only a night of bad Mughlai food, strong mojitos, or cheap beer will earn you. And what’s worse, it’s defied gravity and is all up baby’s back, too.

3. You’ve tried all the tricks in the book to keep baby from napping so he’ll sleep at night when you finally give up and decide to take a much-needed shower. But as soon as you step in and your toes feel the celestial warmth of angels’ tears from above, baby unleashes a shriek so alarming you’re certain someone has shown him the trailer of ‘alone’. You narrowly escape slipping to your own death as you quickly redress and rush to his rescue, only to discover he’s fallen back asleep, all body parts intact. It’s OK. Bathing is overrated.

4. You’ve finally figured out the perfect combination of herbal remedies and infant drops to calm baby’s gassy tummy. But that was yesterday. Today baby’s decided he can’t stand the taste of your liquefied saunf and heeng cocktail and spits back out every last drop you push in. No worries. There’s still another concoction you can try. It shouldn’t be too hard to acquire alligator scales and bits of unicorn wing, after all.

5. Baby has been angelic all day, but now that it’s nighttime, she’s morphed into bees saal baad villain’s spawn. You could have heard a pin drop as she slumbered peacefully through the bright and sunny day, but the second you plopped her in the crib for bedtime, she began wailing wild banshee shrieks and trying to pull out your eyes with her demon talons. Who needs rest, anyway? There will be plenty of time to sleep when your body is as dead as your soul.