Skip to main content

The inevitable…

By
So the inevitable happened: I became a mother. And went through all the motions mentioned in 'Time to face the music'. I was experiencing motherhood in projectile vomit and runny bottoms on freshly cleaned floors.

And I was the latest victim of Murphy’s Law— you know, the old adage that states if something can go wrong, it will go wrong. Usually it involves discovering we’ve got a flat tyre and an irate boss making hissing sounds together! It only happens once in a while.

Well, not when you have a newborn. When you have a newborn, it happens ALL. THE. TIME, and it goes a little something like this:

1. Your husband says babysitting is fun and the kid’s has been an absolute darling — for him. But as soon as you get home from frantically finishing chores and trying not to fall asleep at traffic lights, baby starts to scream bloody murder as horror scenes from Ramsay Brother flick flash through your mind. Moms are just so lucky!

2. 3 seconds after you’ve changed the baby’s diaper, you discover he’s dropped a massive bomb in there. And I’m not talking about a cute little baby turd. I’m talking adult poop — the kind of poo only a night of bad Mughlai food, strong mojitos, or cheap beer will earn you. And what’s worse, it’s defied gravity and is all up baby’s back, too.

3. You’ve tried all the tricks in the book to keep baby from napping so he’ll sleep at night when you finally give up and decide to take a much-needed shower. But as soon as you step in and your toes feel the celestial warmth of angels’ tears from above, baby unleashes a shriek so alarming you’re certain someone has shown him the trailer of ‘alone’. You narrowly escape slipping to your own death as you quickly redress and rush to his rescue, only to discover he’s fallen back asleep, all body parts intact. It’s OK. Bathing is overrated.

4. You’ve finally figured out the perfect combination of herbal remedies and infant drops to calm baby’s gassy tummy. But that was yesterday. Today baby’s decided he can’t stand the taste of your liquefied saunf and heeng cocktail and spits back out every last drop you push in. No worries. There’s still another concoction you can try. It shouldn’t be too hard to acquire alligator scales and bits of unicorn wing, after all.


5. Baby has been angelic all day, but now that it’s nighttime, she’s morphed into bees saal baad villain’s spawn. You could have heard a pin drop as she slumbered peacefully through the bright and sunny day, but the second you plopped her in the crib for bedtime, she began wailing wild banshee shrieks and trying to pull out your eyes with her demon talons. Who needs rest, anyway? There will be plenty of time to sleep when your body is as dead as your soul.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Most read ones here:

Racing to be fair!

By
I remember when I was younger; I was given these messages about beauty being fair, dainty and polished for girls. How was it for the boys, tall, dark and handsome? Well, somewhere down the line beauty and the eyes of the beholder parted ways and forgot to inform us. Why because every advertisement today about creams is no longer about protecting our skin against dryness or chafing, only because we want to, but about the colour of our skin. Ours here has extended in the past few years to that of men's as well. The TDH will no longer do, being the quintessential working woman and metrosexual man now means that we all need to be white.    Even if we choose to   ignore the warnings about mercury content in these creams , can we really ignore the racism that they promote? Now, how is that not racism? Or did we forget that   apartheid   was about being treated badly because of dark skin colour? I think that the present should not learn from history? A...
Post a Comment
Read more

It all began when...

By
It all began when I willingly became the recipient of the sperm that found its way to the egg. That too in the missionary position! No, this isn’t about sex. It’s about the aftermath – the baby. So after a long and tiresome 5 year planning (these were the days when the planning commission actually existed), I was carrying. Pregnancy by far the most amazing time of my life but it was also the scariest, most guilt ridden, and tiring time too (I think it gives you a preview for actually having a kid). During my tenure, I was astounded and fazed with all the information of what I should and shouldn't do while pregnant. Everything finished off with "to be on the safe side, just avoid it." Well that's great, only that then I’d be expected to sit in Fort Knox eating washed, organic paalak and popping folic acid week after week if I did that. As much as I wanted to turn a blind eye to all these scare tactics, I couldn't help but think "what if". Wha...
Post a Comment
Read more

Marriage Matters - 1

By
Image source:  Esposas de Matrimonio Last time when I wrote about our obsession with fairer a.k.a white skin and how that is racism . A friend pointed out that this extends to marriage as well. That is, our obsession, among a list of other things, extends to marriage too. Thus, it got me thinking about the pressures that we have to face to get married, the before and after of it all. It starts at home and then goes on with relatives, friends and everyone else around us.    Marriage is the milestone for most girls right after graduation so that she does not become too old to find an appropriate match , or bear children. It is also because hopefully, she will not have met someone and decided for herself whom to marry. The ‘gods’ forbid, she is 'senseless' enough to select someone outside of her community! What a shame! Boys often face the pressure of marriage as soon as they get their first job. Now that their market value is established. Especially, if he...
Post a Comment
Read more