Time to face the music

When you’re expecting, you’re generally told what to expect (there’s a famous book on that too) but there’s a lot to learn especially if it’s your first baby. When I first got pregnant, I didn't even know where my cervix was, so I had a pretty big learning curve. The world wide web provides plenty of misinformation, but let’s face it: it’s good to get at least some basic knowledge without having to ask embarrassing questions – like in my case, “Oh so that’s where you’ll cut me up?!!!”

Time to face the music:

1.    There will be a lot of red. No matter how you push it out (c-section or normal) you will have postpartum bleeding. This enchanting fluid is called lochia and it sounds about as appealing as it is. It lasts as little as two to three weeks or as long as six weeks after birth. The best part is you're given giant, thunder pads in the hospital because you can't use tampons during this time (it can introduce bacteria into your healing uterus). And if you’re used to the T word, you can enjoy the added pleasure of feeling like a 15-year old girl from a century ago.

2.    Your privates might become a public mess. You may soon realize that the bums aren't the only place that are swollen or padded. This could be one bloated, stitched up mighty mess that even Stephen King couldn't dream up. There are a lot of desi nuskhas to help ease the horror including sitting on inflated tubes, sits baths, frozen bags of peas (thank god for Safal) and a little water bottle that you squirt on yourself when you try to relieve yourself. In my case I've found that it's best not to look, or make your near and dear go through the trauma of looking up your crotch to figure out if it still existed.

3.    You're still rotund. You will need empress’s new clothes after you've delivered because you'll be sort of second trimester doughy for a bit. Bit being a euphemism for anything lasting 6 months to 6 years. This is yet another reason I hate those yummy mummies that are wafer thin 6.5 minutes after they've given birth because it isn't realistic. Everything is rosy when you've had your tummy tuck during your elective c-section and you can hand your baby off to a full-time maid and have a personal trainer up in your face everyday. Pilates and brown rice don’t sound just too nice! Stupid starlings. Stupider models. Stupidest me for choosing to go through this.

4.    You might bawl. And not in limited quantities. Some women have it really easy and get off with a cool and composed yogic state of mind. Well, I went for this hormonal roller coaster ride after the baby and to the other category of women mentioned just one line above, I say "lucky, lucky b!@#hes". It doesn't help that it can run from absolutely nada to a case study of post partum depression. So not everyone is sympathetic if you start resembling Cherapunji in July if they didn't. It just makes sense then when someone in the right mind tells you that you're losing it, you should listen to them and go see your doctor. Nobody wins if you're wetting the bed more than the child.

5.    Your hair might suddenly like gravity. I know. Don't you just feel you looked like Rapunzel now? So here you are all depressed and flabby and to add insult to injury you might start losing some of your hair. Here you were all kicked about your thick mane while you endured kicks, well, sorry Cinderella but the party is over and the hair fairy wants her tresses back. This is one of those delightful hormone side effects that usually accompany childbirth. At least there will be less to worry about when pulling your hair up into your new-mom crack-ponytail.

6.    Breastfeeding might not resemble those TV commercials. If you choose to breastfeed your baby, (given our social settings, choose is really not the right word) be prepared for more than a little bit of work. Not everybody has a smooth dairy session and it is sure to be anything but the soft, bonding vignettes they plaster all over "Breast is Best" ads. The good news is once you're over the first few bad days of cracking body parts, sore organs and tired bones, it's pretty maintenance free because you can never forget your baby's lunch on the counter. If you have an easy time of it, good for you! Just remember not to crow about it though; you're sure to be beaten to death with strollers by hormonal mothers in the park. 

7.    You might want to smother the partner who helped you procreate. There are two ways of looking at most things in life. So this can’t be an exception too. So, here’s my theory - one, babies resemble their fathers when they are born so the father is reassured that the baby is his and won't run for the hills. Two, nature takes care of him by doing so because all you want to do is punch his face every time you see him. Again, it's probably the H word. But again, this isn't always the case but I'm just warning you that you might stare at him as he snores away at 1.53 am and wonder how can that son of a gun just lie there sleeping like that while you try to exercise your vocal chords with gibberish lullabies and chants from the forbidden land to get your baby to sleep for the nth time. You're not alone in your misery and a jury full of new mothers wouldn't condemn you if you battered him to death with a breast pump. That said, he may be worth keeping around for other inane things such as bills and taxes so take a deep breath and ignore the urge…for now.

8.    You might feel like the equator. Yes, you’ll be hot. No, not good hot. Uncivilized, uncouth, obese, sweaty, hot. Again you need to thank your hormones. Once again they may need to take the blame for giving you hot flashes and helping you empathize with the residents of south India. Nothing spells more hot and desirable like a woman with 15 kgs of extra baby weight, who's losing her mane and walking around like she just ran for a bus.

9.    Non-jiggly boobs. You’ll know that those outrageous porn boobs you see on some women that are just colossal and don't move, actually exist. Well, skip a feeding while you're looking and feeling like a cow and you'll have a pretty good idea what I’m talking about. It sounds cool but it isn't remotely so don't start looking for the nearest pole or add stripper heels to your shoe rack.

10.  Shitting is shit scary. Saved the best for last, just for you. No matter what exit your baby used, your rectal gear is really close by and you'll have to use it eventually. You might just end up thinking of ways for the shit to hit the fan. Hoping and praying it wasn’t gravity assisted. Take care as you download. Because it might be a pain in the ass.

Haven't I painted a pretty picture here? Aren't you looking forward to all the treats that come with motherhood? Well, thankfully, not all of them happen to everybody and you (and everyone around you) will be so focused on the new little person that you'll have little time or energy to worry about much else. And hey, who cares, you made a person. A whole person. It doesn't matter if you're a surly, bald, sweaty garden slug for a while, you just performed a miracle so unless you're booked to walk the ramp in your underpants in two weeks, don't worry about it and tell anybody who says otherwise to eat shit. Hey, you can always blame it on your hormones.

And seriously, don't get scared. You may get off easy and get none of these things to any great degree.