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Yes...um...No. Oh, wait! Maybe...!!

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Video source: It's simple as tea
Consent - what, how, when, till when…the questions are unending and rightly so. It is confusing and it is complicated. I believe that is a good thing, because it is only when we are uncomfortable and confused that we start digging deep and un-layer things or issues. It may drive some of us to engage in conversations and discussions, and I’d say why not? It helps the unlearning, learning and understanding, doesn’t it?

So, my confusions, questions and discussions with friends and colleagues left me wondering what is consent -what, how, when, till when, whose?

I chanced upon this lovely article using tea as an example, and then some in this video - A Lavni about consent. It helped me to understand quite a bit about the yes, no, and maybe, and some of the in between. This also set me wondering. What if, people (hosts and hostesses) feel obliged that they have to offer you something tea included if you are a guest at their place? What happens when they feel the pressure that you may be refusing out of politeness, yes, we are taught to do that too! After all, a polite guest won’t make demands of the host, right! So, as a host I need to negotiate - my tea is really good, you should try it! I have ginger, masala, or some other variety, try some! I am sure you’ll like it. Oh, I have this lovely coffee I got from (insert your favourite brand and kind here), you should try a cup! It’s ok, if you don’t like coffee or tea, I have some fresh juice. It goes on till the guest feels obliged and ‘consents’. The host feels like they have done their duty and been a good host! After all, they were courteous enough not to let the guest leave without a drink!! What the host does not realise is that the guest still felt pressured, and said yes. Does that count as being courteous or obnoxious then? I wonder! Perhaps, the host wasn’t in the mood to make/ offer/ serve these beverages that they felt the pressure because of conventions / etiquettes etc… we were socialised like that you know!

Yes, that was sarcastic! But that still points to the fact that subtle or not-so-subtle, confusing signs, and anything in between needn’t and shouldn’t be considered consent, neither should it be an invitation for negotiation to ‘not take no for an answer’. It is very much possible that the guest/s know their mind, and whatever cultural/ traditional practices are, hosts and guests alike should not feel the pressure or obligation to take/ serve beverages, food, or sexual activities if they don’t want to.

If it’s confusing you that you’re not sure what is being said, hinted at, or are unaware of how to read body language, one thing that always works for me is to ask. Whatever the response take that and stay with it. But, also acknowledge that either party can and may withdraw their consent, and that is not a blow to our person/ ego. It is their right to do so, and we have to respect that and stop, immediately!

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